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this grrrl's life

res·o·lute

January 9, 2012 – 10:48 pm

Ah, the New Year. That infamous time of the year when your gym suddenly is full again, there’s more people lurking in the produce section, and there’s unrealistic expectations piled everywhere you look. Or you could be one of those who “resolve not to make resolutions” (and then pretend that they are the first person to proclaim such a cliche). I’ve been both of those people.

This New Year I wasn’t expecting to resolve myself to do anything differently, but then I found a copy of The Happiness Project whilst browsing at Coles.  Don’t ask me how I ended up in the self-help section.  But, there I was, and there I was picking up a copy of this book.  I’ve been reading it over the last week, and I’m already starting to see my world differently (which is always the first sign of a good book!).

The author of the book, Gretchen Rubin, dedicates herself to researching and practicing different ways to find happiness in her life over a period of 12 months. So far I’ve read January and February, or the “Boost Energy” and “Love” resolutions she tackled.  What I love about this book (so far) is that she’s all about taking the SMALL STEPS necessary to secure happiness. Too often I’ve wanted to take on my own “happiness project” and failed (miserably), if only because I tried to do too much, too quick.

I’m not going to do that to myself, again.  As I’m reading through the book, I’m looking for these small steps I can take in my own life, to help me find happiness.  Maybe over the course of the year I’ll write about the steps I’m taking.

So far, the one step that’s really stood out to me is Rubin’s twelfth “commandment”: “There is only love.”  Here’s a quick YouTube video where she talks about the role of love and happiness:

Now, when I first read this mantra of “there is only love,” I think my eyes rolled.  At first, it just sounds — well, fluffy. Deepak Chopra-ish. Not something a rational person like me could appreciate, right?

But then I started to think about it.

The example in the book is of a woman who took a job working for a notoriously negative employer.  She knew, going into the position, that her boss would be difficult to work with. So, rather than armoring up to bear the tough environment, she told herself to think, “There is only love.” From the book:

From that moment on, she refused to think critical thoughts about John Doe; she never complained about him behind his back; she wouldn’t even listen to other people criticize him.

“Don’t your coworkers think you’re a goody-goody?” I asked.

“Oh no,” she said. “They all wish they could do the same thing, too. He drives them crazy, but I can honestly say I like John.”

– p. 40, The Happiness Project

This idea of “there is only love” has really stuck with me. All too often I’m able to read people, and interpret their interpersonal communication. While it’s sometimes a bonus to be able to have such an ability, more often than not it leaves me feeling devastated — especially when I can tell that people don’t particularly like who I am.

I can’t help it, I’m a people-pleaser.  What sucks is that I’m the kind of person who you either really LOVE or really HATE — there’s not much middle ground when it comes to people’s impressions of me.  Lately it seems like I’ve had to deal with more of the latter, and if I’m not careful, it can really get me down (read: not happy).

So, rather than interpreting someone’s actions toward me as automatically being critical or negative, why not think to myself: “there is only love.”  Those 4 little words remind me that there’s bigger issues at work here. Maybe this person doesn’t understand my approach?  Maybe this person is herself very UNhappy, and finds me a good target to aim for?  Maybe that car didn’t see me before cutting me off? Maybe I’m not as good at reading intentions in communication, and I’m taking things too personally?

All of these “maybes” are legitimate, and I know I need to consider them before jumping on the conclusions wagon. So, one of my “resolutions” I’ve set for myself to start practicing saying “there is only love” more often.  I think it will help me to see my relationships differently — and I’m already feeling lighter, not having to worry so much about what others may think about me.

Another reminder of why I need to be a happier mama.

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atheism heresy this grrrl's life

Higher ground

September 6, 2011 – 10:30 pm

There’s a new film coming out that looks very interesting — Ebert describes Higher Ground as “the life story of a woman who grows into, and out of, Christianity.”  Here’s the trailer:

The movie is based on the memoir This Dark World by Carolyn S. Briggs, who also wrote the screenplay.  I found this 2002 review of the book, and the last two paragraphs ring especially true:

But then, you get the sense that she’s describing her slow, gradual reverse transformation — from a bridelike soldier of Christ to a freethinking, questioning woman — as clearly as anyone could. Briggs harbors few illusions about her old self. She’s fully aware of what a pain in the ass she was in the days when she was beaming with love all the time, handing out Bibles and quoting Scripture to anyone who’d sit still long enough.

But the thing that makes “This Dark World” so affecting, aside from Briggs’ clear, resonant prose, is that she makes us understand that leaving her faith behind was the single hardest thing she’s ever had to do. Her religious friends bemoaned the fact that she had turned away from the Lord. But no matter how her spiritual beliefs have changed, has He really lost her? The person she became because of Him is still vital and thriving, and probably more alive than ever.

That.

If Emma wasn’t asleep right now, I’d be heading on over to McNally or Indigo to see if the book was in stock. [note: I actually just stopped writing this post long enough to call and order the book from McNally]

If the trailer and book review are any indication, I think I’ll really like the film — maybe a little too much. In fact, watching the trailer made my heart hurt a little bit — because I know what it’s like to be lost – then found – then “lost” again.  About a month ago I talked quite a bit about my transition out of faith on the Unbelievable podcast, but even in the days since recording the show, I have thought about (and felt) more of the effects of my apostasy.

Fact is, when I decided to be honest with myself and others about my nonbelief, my choice to vocalize my atheism forever changed several relationships in my life — and NOT necessarily for the better.

The demise of some of these family and friend relationships still make me sad even now, years after my “outing.”   There have been some moments when I thought I could be heading into a serious period of depression — so much so, I even made a point of seeing a therapist and frankly asking if I needed to be on medication (if only to numb some of my heartache).

Thankfully my therapist not only is good at what she does, but is also wise.  One lesson I learned from my sessions with her is that my sadness isn’t rooted in depression, but is more of a type of mourning I’m experiencing.  I’m mourning the death of what I had hoped for in a relationship, and now I’m left to adjust to the stark reality of a broken connection.

But why are these relationships broken? In large part because of religion, and the hold it places on its adherents.  Sure it may sound great from the pulpit for a preacher to say “put Jesus first in all your relationships”, but the reality of Luke 14:26 (“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters–yes, even his own life–he cannot be my disciple.) really hurts when its applied.

 

A couple weeks ago I went to see Wicked with Jerry and some good friends. I love musicals, plus I had read the book, years ago, so I thought I was prepared for the performance. What I wasn’t ready for was how much I related to the play’s main character, Elphaba.  For the first half of the show, I found myself empathizing SO much with what this character went through (though, thankfully, I have no idea what it’s like to have green skin).

Elphaba was someone who didn’t quite fit in, and who was passionately motivated by social justice causes.  There are points in the play where she stands up for what is right, even at great cost to herself. She’s idealistic, hoping to have the Wizard (someone she admires) help her rectify the wrongs she sees in the world. She’s passionate, and willing to take a stand, even by herself.

But then — she finds hypocrisy in her hero the Wizard, and is faced with a decision: does she apologize, back down, and look the other way, or does she defy?

She sings:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by
The rules of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap…

It’s time to try
defying gravity
I think I’ll try
defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down

So what do you do when you realize that “something has changed” within you?

In my case, should I have kept on my church-smile each Sunday, swallowed my doubts, and played the game?  No.

I took my leap of faith doubt.

Elphaba then sings:

I’m through accepting limits
‘Cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I’ll never know
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost

and that kind of love — the kind that only embraces you in a particular way — it really is a love at “much too high a cost.”  I guess that’s a lesson I’m slowly learning to accept.

Anyway, by the time this song (“Defying Gravity”) closed the first half of Wicked, I was bawling — and I’m not talking about little tears, but big, ugly, end-of-Steel-Magnolias kind of sobs.  This video just doesn’t do the cathartic experience justice:

And if you’re reading this, hoping that I’m happy — rest assured, I am.

But I’m also sad too.

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this grrrl's life

grrrl meets UK Christian radio program programme

August 22, 2011 – 10:15 am

The interview is online now at the Unbelievable? website.  Here’s the program’s description:

This week on Unbelievable : “Losing my religion – dialogue with an ex-Christian”

Rebekah Bennetch lives in Saskatoon, Canada. She grew up in a Christian family. Her dad is a pastor, and other family members are involved in Christian ministries. She professed faith from a young age, went to Bible college, atteneded church and went on mission trips. But in 2007 she “came out” as an atheist and now describes herself as the “black sheep” of her family. Sheridan Voysey is a writer, speaker and broadcaster on contemporary spirituality. For many years he presented “Open House”, a nationally-syndicated Australian radio show on life, faith and culture. He now resides in the UK. They discuss what led Rebekah to abandon her faith, how Christians can best treat their “apostate” friends and family, and what lessons can be learnt for fruitful dialogue between believers and atheists.

Here’s the link for the interview — it’s a little over an hour long.  Right now I’m buried in end-of-term marking of student reports and finals, but later this week I’m planning to reflect on the exchange I had with Justin and Sheridan. In the meantime, check out the interview, and make sure to read the latest comments on the blog here (and here, and here), by my old youth group pal Alison — she’s always good for a laugh, and for a reminder of why I rejected the faith system she represents.

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good without god.

August 12, 2011 – 11:22 am

[more on my recent podcast interview]

Part of our discussion on Wednesday touched upon morality.  At one point, I ended up talking about where I find a basis for morality, since I no longer believe in a divine moral lawgiver.  I’ll readily admit that I’m not a philosopher, so talking about objective vs. subjective morality not an easy discussion for me to have. (part of me thinks believers get off a little too easy when it comes to answering these kinds of complex questions, because they can just say “God.” and be done with their answer.)

I ended up talking about the ethic of reciprocity, and how most ethical systems can be boiled down to this principle of doing good to others, because you would like to have good done for you.  I don’t think my answer was too radical of a concept, but then our conversation drifted into implications of individual selfishness and reciprocity.  (ugh)

Well, I wish I could have steered the talk of morality in a different direction.  I wish I could have brought up Psalm 14:1, and asked them about what they thought of the verse.  Psalm 14:1 reads:

The fool says in his heart,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
there is no one who does good.

Now here’s a verse most atheists will recognize, because it’s one usually hurled in our direction. It’s the last part of the verse I would have wanted to talk about — the notion that the godless are corrupt, full of vile deeds, and up to no good. There aren’t many Christians out there who would admit to agreeing with the last half of the verse — but I know many people who still hold onto the idea that god is a necessary prerequisite to being good. But is it true?

Not according to evidence.

Part of my reading prep for the interview involved me reading the peer-reviewed article “Atheism, Secularity, and Well-Being: How the Findings of Social Science Counter Negative Stereotypes and Assumptions” by Phil Zuckerman. This article compared different societies’ levels of religiosity to their levels of violent crime, happiness and well-being indexes, health care services, standards of economic equality, education, and several other categories.  The result?

… societies with higher percentages of secular people are actually more healthy, humane, and happy than those with higher percentages of religious people.

The author was sure to point out that the amount of secularity doesn’t necessarily cause these positive factors in society, but being irreligious does not seem to be a hinderance to having a good and happy life.

I guess this brings me back to another point I wish I could have pressed the two Christians on — why do I need to be a Christian?  If evidence shows societies to function just fine (if not better) without religion, why do I need to be religious?  If I can find meaning and significance in the natural world around me, why do I need to add a supernatural belief on top of it?  If I can be good without god, why do I need Christian faith?

Still waiting for the answers to these questions.

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atheism this grrrl's life

an Unbelievable? experience

August 10, 2011 – 1:46 pm

Earlier this morning I taped an interview for the UK Christian radio show, Unbelievable?.  It was a cool experience, really. I’ve been a longtime fan of the show, and listen to its podcast nearly every week (I call it my atheist “guilty pleasure”).  The show is about opening up dialogue/debate between Christians and nonbelievers, and I’ve always appreciated the fair hearing (for the most part) that the show gives to the atheistic side of the arguments.

I contacted the host, Justin Brierley, a few weeks ago and proposed a show where they could discuss Christian apostacy, and in particular, how believers should treat the apostates they may encounter in their lives (be it family or friends who reject their faith).  I wasn’t necessarily looking to be on the show, but when he offered, of course I couldn’t resist! :)

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about what I wanted to say on the show, and now that it’s all said and done, I’m now spending time thinking about what I was able to say, and what I wished I could have said.  Overall, I’m pretty happy with how the interview/conversation went.  I was in dialogue with the show’s host, Justin, and also with the Australian Christian broadcaster, Sheridan Voysey. (and yes, it is intimidating having your first-ever long radio interview be with 2 experienced broadcasters!)

The first part of the show was discussion about some of my personal history — I talked about growing up as a believer, being an active part of the church, and later coming to reject my Christian beliefs. The rest of the show touched on several other topics: such as the notion of cosmic justice and ultimate morality, the basis for morality, Jesus as a moral example (and my issues with the Jesus of the gospels), humanity as divine creation vs. natural collection of matter/atoms/impulses, assumptions believers have about atheists, and ideas for encouraging conversation between people of differing ideologies/belief systems.

I have a feeling I’m going to dedicate a couple posts to my experience on the podcast — if only to help clarify my thoughts of how it went, and to hopefully give some insight for others about who I am.

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Let’s go fly a kite

August 7, 2011 – 7:25 pm

Emma’s new favorite songs to sing are from Mary Poppins (which I love *so much* more than the princess collections) — what’s funny is that she usually only sings one line, over and over again. So for the closing song, she just sings, over and over again, “Let’s go fly a kite! Let’s go fly a kite!”

So today we went out and flew a kite.

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this grrrl's life

back to Buddhism

July 21, 2011 – 1:02 pm

Oh, right, I have a blog!  Sorry for my absence, y’all — especially since you had to keep pulling up that crazy polygamy look-alike picture post each time you checked back here.  With all the conveniences of Twitter, Facebook, and now Google +, I’m just a little too spread out on the Internets.  I do still love this little piece of cyberspace of mine, though — and next year it will be 10 YEARS for my little blog. Crazy.

Anyway, the summer has been going well. We’re staying busy, as usual. This year we have TWO community garden plots to tend — and they’re doing awesome!  I’m teaching a night class 2 nights a week, and I’m also in the throes of prepping a new course I’ll be teaching in the Fall. Later this week my new iPad should arrive! Emma is home from school for the summer, and asks a couple times a day about when she can go back (her mama misses her being at school too, haha).  Jerry is switching jobs, and is in a good place, career-wise. I’m active in my roles coordinating the different groups I’m a part of — Cafe Apostate, Reasonable Women, and the Saskatoon Secular Family Network. I still blog sometimes over at Canadian Atheist, and later this month I’m going to be interviewed by a UK Christian radio station.  We’ve been making lots of new friends in the local Unitarian Centre. I’m exercising lots, either with CrossFit (a gym I lovingly call the “garage of death”) and on a co-ed soccer team, Vandelay Industries (importer/exporter of fine latex goods). Saskatoon is abuzz with outdoor festivals, with my favorite (the Fringe) starting up next week.

So with all this good going on, why do I feel unhappy?

I think it’s time for me to get back into some Buddhism.  I love how this philosophy really helps me to get out of my negative head space and helps me focus on larger issues.  I’ve dusted off my Eckhart Tolle books (who I love, despite some of the woo he occasionally peddles). I’m also hoping to reread Stephen Batchelor’s Buddhism without Beliefs, and a friend lent me a book called, That’s Funny, You Don’t Look Buddhist: On Being a Faithful Jew and Passionate Buddhist.

It may seem really strange to some people in my life that I’m drawn to Buddhism. For some of you, you may equate it with idol-worship or something satanic.  Others in my life may think that I’m handing in my “atheist card”, because I’m drawn to another RELIGION. Of course, both of these perspectives are mistaken. The more I read about Buddhism, particularly zen, the more I don’t see it as a religion but as a philosophy.  And if this philosophy helps me to find some peace and happiness, then I’m happy to pursue it (but not proselytize it).

Anyway, I’m back on the blog! Hopefully I won’t abandon her for another 6 months.

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