reclaiming my time

One of the more recent books I’ve read was the autobiography of Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman by Lindy West. I’ve followed her work, off and on, for a number of years and I’ve long appreciated her voice and (often hilarious) candor. It was interesting to read her book right after reading Roxane Gay’s memoir — both of them strong women, yet both having very different approaches when talking about body image.

Here are some of the parts of Lindy’s work that stood out to me, and that I want to remember/mull over, going forward.

On relationships:

“Mike made me feel lonely and being alone with another person is much worse than being alone by yourself.”

Gah, I know this feeling, maybe more than I’d like to admit. Lindy talks about many relationships she found herself in where the person she was with wasn’t able (or willing) to accept her for herself. It wasn’t until she was able to find a secure place of self-acceptance that she was able to find the connection she was looking for. (which, yes, sounds incredibly cliche — but there’s some lessons there that I’m still working on, cliche or no)

Lately I’ve been really embracing the quiet alone moments that I can find for myself. I haven’t always been in a place where I enjoyed being alone — but now I can honestly say that there are many times when I wish I had MORE time to enjoy some solitude.

On privilege:

“All I had to do [to get an abortion] was wait two weeks, or have an awkward conversation I did not want to have with my supportive, liberal, well-to-do mother. Privilege means that it’s easy for white women to do each other favours. Privilege means that those of us who need it the least often get the most help.”

When it comes to discussions of privilege, I struggle and wrestle and feel guilty and angry and then want to go out and address societal change. And then I start the process all over again. I worry that I’m being too much of “a Becky,” and then at the same time get angry that I’m identified with such a label.

But when Lindy put privilege in such terms as she did above, I got it. There are times when I feel disadvantaged, but then when I have a gut-reality-check, I realize there’s so much that I have access to. How I choose to use and acknowledge those privileges is what I need to be more aware of.

On self-acceptance:

“I always thought that if I just never, every acknowledged [that I was fat] — never wore a bathing suit, never objected to a fat joke on TV, stuck to ‘flattering’ clothes, never said ‘fat’ out loud — then maybe people wouldn’t notice. Maybe I could pass as thin, or at least obedient. But, I was slowly learning, you can’t advocate for yourself if you won’t admit what you are.”

This is one quote that really resonated with me — especially the last sentence. Lately I’ve been working through lots of self-issues, and I’m working on understanding what it means to like who I am, and not to be ashamed or feel guilt over what I’ve done (that has, in part, made me who I am).

Maybe a big part of that process is being able to admit some of the parts of me that could be perceived as weakness — and instead of letting others tell me how I should view myself, I can instead claim that label for myself.

Something I really admire about Lindy is how she’s able to embrace who she is, often unabashedly so. I want to have some of that same confidence when it comes to how I see (and advocate for) myself.

On standing up to injustices (“How to make a Rape Joke“):

One of the best parts of her book was when she describes what happened when she decided to speak out against Daniel Tosh’s idiotic rape joke(s) a number of years ago. She writes:

My point was that what we say affects the world we live in, that words are both a reflection of and a catalyst for the way our society operates. Comedy, in particular, is a tremendously powerful lever of social change. […] When you talk about rape, I said, you get to decide where you aim: Are you making fun of rapists? Or their victims? Are you making the world better? Or worse? It’s not about censorship, it’s not about obligation, it’s not about forcibly limiting anyone’s speech — it’s about choice. Who are you? Choose.”

Of course, as soon as she vocalized her objection, many male comedians started circling the wagons and crying censorship. Lindy then quotes part of an essay by Molly Knefel, and what she quotes really gets to the crux of the issue.┬áKnefel was addressing the fact that many of the male objectors to Lindy’s argument (“nothing is sacred and everything can be joked about”) were the same ones who also said that some subjects were “too soon” to be jokes (ex:/ the Boston Marathon bombing and Aurora theatre shooting).

Knefel writes:

The suffering in Boston, as horrifying as it is, is largely abstract to a nation that has, for the most part, never experienced such a thing. On the other hand, in every room Oswalt performs comedy in, there will be a rape survivor. Statistically speaking, there will be many. There will be even more if he is performing at a university. If exceptional violence illuminates our human capacity for empathy, then structural violence shows the darkness of indifference.

Again, the last sentence!

I keep thinking back to the public outcry for the victims in the recent Las Vegas shooting — how horrific and evocative the media coverage has been for this story. And then, I think about the statistical reality that anywhere from 1 in 4 (or 1 in 5) women will have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime — and somehow, this is a stat that isn’t getting the public (or media) just as horrified and empathic for the women who have experienced that kind of abuse. It’s stunning.

On love:

And finally, I really liked what Lindy had to say about what it means to “love with an open hand.” She quotes her sister, who says to her:

“Dude”, she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “don’t you know you have to love with an open hand?” […]

“If you have a bird that you love, and you want the bird to stay and hang out with you and sing for you, you don’t clutch it in your fist so it can’t get away. You hold your hand out, open, and wait for it to perch there. If you’re holding it there, it’s not your friend — it’s your prisoner. Love with an open hand. DUH.”

So yeah. The analogy of setting what you love free does sound like something so simple (and cliche) to do, but it’s a lesson that I’m also still working on.

I like the idea of what it means to love (and be loved) with an open hand. I don’t think I can be loved in any other way.

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