For 12+ years this little blog of mine has been a place for me to think to myself, with the occasional person looking in. It’s been a place where I’ve been spectacularly wrong about certain things, and it’s also worked as a catalyst to help me better understand myself (even when spectacularly wrong). This post is meant to be along those lines – so if navel-gazing isn’t your thing, I won’t hold it against you to skip on over what I’m about to write.
Here I am, staring at the barrel of failed marriage #2, and I’ve been thinking quite a bit about where things went wrong in me and J’s relationship. While our splitting up came as a shock to most people, to us it felt like a long process. Granted, once we decided to move on, it did feel pretty quick – and even now there are still times when I feel my head and heart still reeling from what’s happened.
As of now, I’m still not over the fact that it is over – though more and more I’m starting to accept it. Which is progress, right?
The one part of it all that I’m not sure I’ll ever get past is how I feel about being given up on. Deep down, I think I would have probably stayed in the relationship, if only I felt like I was still loved. Ultimately, J’s love for me ended. And I’m still really sad about that.
And I’m not sure if my sadness comes more from the ending of a relationship or from me feeling guilty and blaming myself that it’s over.
If I get especially navel-gazey, I’m also left wondering what does the future hold for me, in terms of other relationships. Right now, anything long term isn’t on my radar – and part of me is curious if I could ever find someone who would be the right person, completely, for me. There’s a great Jane Austen quote: “The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!” And maybe that’s the case with me. The tricky part will be getting to a place where I can accept that about myself, and not try to hide or apologize about it.