Epiphanies at 3AM

If I ever finish writing this thesis, my next writing project will consist of observations I’ve made at my Tim Hortons after midnight. Interesting people come out at this time of the night, and my book would describe them and their conversations — along with the keen observations of my favorite Tim Hortons employees.

Anyway, tonight I had some alone time. Mr. grrrlmeetsworld crashed, leaving me with dishes that needed to be finished and a thesis that needed attention. So in response to these pressing calls, I fled the apartment with my newest literary victim in hand (courtesy of another bibliophile) and headed to my favorite all hours coffee shop.

I left while the moon was beginning to rise on the horizon, and came home just as the sun began her appearance in the skies. I love living on the prairie!

I’m having a hard time placing who I am nowadays, on the whole introvert/extrovert scale. Where do I find my fueling time? I once thought I was a full fledged extrovert, but these days I’m not so sure. I’m finding myself becoming quite reclusive, save a few lunch dates with some fun grrrlfriends. I don’t think I’m quite the introvert, because spending time by myself makes Becky a bit lonesome. Ah well.

But my book and Apple Cinnamon tea were good companions tonight. Here’s one passage that struck out:

Relationships aren’t the best thing, if you ask me. People can be quite untrustworthy, and the more you get to know them — by that I mean the more you let someone know who you really are — the more it feels as though something is at stake. And that makes me nervous. It takes me a million years to get to know anybody pretty well, and even then the slightest thing will set me off. I feel it in my chest, this desire to dissociate. I don’t mean to be a jerk about it, but that is how I am wired. I say this because it makes complete sense to me that we would rather have a formula religion than a relational religion. If I could, I probably would have formula friends because they would be safe.

Searching for God Knows What, Donald Miller

His feelings on friendship is what made this passage stick out for me (and cause me to dog-ear the corner). In another book I’m reading, there’s a scene where the main character is forced to make a choice to trust in a precarious friendship — and in the process, show a bit of himself, with the possibility of his vulnerability coming back to bite him in the end. When we got to that part of the book, Jerry asked me what he (the character) should do in this situation — without flinching, I said that he should be himself, and not hold back out of fear.

I realize now how often I don’t “play it safe” in my friendships — and this attitude often comes back to get me in the end. Dissociating and being formulaic in my friendships is something I have to force myself to do — usually I’m the one laying it all out there, taking risks and occasionally getting burned in the process.

And in those times where I’m burned, I always think to myself that I should know better — and not trust as much or take the risks that I do. I always swear that the next time, I will. But of course, that doesn’t happen.

Hmm, my apologies that this epiphany is a bit of a downer. My supply of this must be running dangerously low. (incidentally, you wouldn’t believe some of the crazy things Google dredges up when you type in “happy thoughts)!!

THE MALL’S BANANA REPUBLICS
FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM.
By Kate Hahn

Oligarchy & Fitch
Forever Totalitarian
Club Monarchy
babyJunta
Dictatorship’s Secret
J. Crony
American Eagle Occupiers
French Colonial Connection (FCCUK)
Old Duchy


I just got home from a grown-up dinner party. I realize that I’m now technically in the age realm of “grown-ups” — but somehow I’m always surprised when I find myself conversing about serious issues, surrounded by adults, complete with a glass of red wine in hand. It’s a bit surreal.

Then again, I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m still mistaken for a grade schooler. Really! Just last week, while we were visiting the Western Development Museum, one of the curators there asked me what grade I was in. And if that’s not funny enough, I’m pretty sure he was serious.

Ah well. I enjoyed tonight, but tomorrow presents itself as a must-get-motivated-and-write-furiously type of day. My holidays are officially over. (sniff)

Happy Pride weekend!

I’m not silent when it comes to my support of all my homosexual friends — in fact, I’m a bit of a bulldog when it comes defending any discrimination of them.

But I haven’t always been this way.

I’m from a long line of evangelicals, many of whom take the position of “hate the sin, love the sinner” (of which, I despise). I have a hard time with this type of discrimination — not only is it a ranking of some sins as worse than others, but it’s condescending and anything but compassionate.

Most of the people I’ve encountered who label gay people as “depraved” usually have never had a relationship with anyone other than middle-class, fellow WASPs. It’s amazing how much your perspective changes when you have a friendship with someone with an “alternative lifestyle” and you see the challenges they face every day, and some because of these God-fearing people.

Since high school, I’ve had the privilege of having several friendships with all sorts of people — gay, straight, brown, yellow, odd and downright peculiar. But I’m not sure what’s worse — having people who outwardly label and condemn … or those who subtlety condemn under a guise of passive aggressiveness — in other words, those who nobly reach out to homosexuals as if they were a different species of human that required extra precautions and prayer.

Sometimes I wonder if people really can hear themselves speak when they’re spewing out such vitriol. I’ve seen friends I know as loving parents suddenly morph into a labeling sin-machine, casting out the depraved in “defense” of institutions.

Usually, if I can change the tone of the conversation away from the indifferent “other” of the homosexual, and then put a face on them — perspectives suddenly change. For example, it’s easy to label someone as “deviant” — but if I ask if a committed couple should have the visiting privileges of family at a hospital, when the other is deadly sick … well, then that’s a different story. The same goes with insurance benefits and other non-religious rights.

I’m verging on ranting here, I know — but this is something I’m passionate about. I’m fully convinced that the current atmosphere of the Church concerning homosexuals is not only wrong, but it’s harming people more than its helping them.

I know there’s many out there that disagree with me — and that’s okay. But this is an issue I won’t be quiet about.