Epiphanies at 3AM
If I ever finish writing this thesis, my next writing project will consist of observations I’ve made at my Tim Hortons after midnight. Interesting people come out at this time of the night, and my book would describe them and their conversations — along with the keen observations of my favorite Tim Hortons employees.
Anyway, tonight I had some alone time. Mr. grrrlmeetsworld crashed, leaving me with dishes that needed to be finished and a thesis that needed attention. So in response to these pressing calls, I fled the apartment with my newest literary victim in hand (courtesy of another bibliophile) and headed to my favorite all hours coffee shop.
I left while the moon was beginning to rise on the horizon, and came home just as the sun began her appearance in the skies. I love living on the prairie!
I’m having a hard time placing who I am nowadays, on the whole introvert/extrovert scale. Where do I find my fueling time? I once thought I was a full fledged extrovert, but these days I’m not so sure. I’m finding myself becoming quite reclusive, save a few lunch dates with some fun grrrlfriends. I don’t think I’m quite the introvert, because spending time by myself makes Becky a bit lonesome. Ah well.
But my book and Apple Cinnamon tea were good companions tonight. Here’s one passage that struck out:
Relationships aren’t the best thing, if you ask me. People can be quite untrustworthy, and the more you get to know them — by that I mean the more you let someone know who you really are — the more it feels as though something is at stake. And that makes me nervous. It takes me a million years to get to know anybody pretty well, and even then the slightest thing will set me off. I feel it in my chest, this desire to dissociate. I don’t mean to be a jerk about it, but that is how I am wired. I say this because it makes complete sense to me that we would rather have a formula religion than a relational religion. If I could, I probably would have formula friends because they would be safe.Searching for God Knows What, Donald Miller
His feelings on friendship is what made this passage stick out for me (and cause me to dog-ear the corner). In another book I’m reading, there’s a scene where the main character is forced to make a choice to trust in a precarious friendship — and in the process, show a bit of himself, with the possibility of his vulnerability coming back to bite him in the end. When we got to that part of the book, Jerry asked me what he (the character) should do in this situation — without flinching, I said that he should be himself, and not hold back out of fear.
I realize now how often I don’t “play it safe” in my friendships — and this attitude often comes back to get me in the end. Dissociating and being formulaic in my friendships is something I have to force myself to do — usually I’m the one laying it all out there, taking risks and occasionally getting burned in the process.
And in those times where I’m burned, I always think to myself that I should know better — and not trust as much or take the risks that I do. I always swear that the next time, I will. But of course, that doesn’t happen.
Hmm, my apologies that this epiphany is a bit of a downer. My supply of this must be running dangerously low. (incidentally, you wouldn’t believe some of the crazy things Google dredges up when you type in “happy thoughts“)!!