Monthly Archives: February 2003

Who are you?


While I know how annoying it is to read the countless “woe-is-me” blog entries out there, I think I’m entitled to one, every now and again.

So, on my way to class this afternoon, I think I had a little mini-meltdown. It’s funny, when I first started this weblog, I put “The ramblings of a misplaced 20-something in Saskatchewan” mainly as an ironic self-serving joke. Yet it seems more and more like it’s becoming the truth for me up here.

Thing is, I DO feel misplaced.

In more ways than one, too. Walking all the way across campus to my class, even though I was surrounded by tons of people, I still felt utterly alone. Which got me thinking — Why am I up here? To get an education, yes. To gain a new perspective, yes. Okay, so I’ve gotten lots out of both of those already — where does the part about being homesick and over 2000 miles away from people that love me fit in? No, I’m not looking to move back in with my parents, but it would be nice to be a least a day’s driving distance away. There’s a good possibility that my aunt could have cancer, or other serious health problems — what if that had been my momma or another member of my family? What could I do, while 2000 miles away?

While I’ve been exposed to several opportunites up here, there’s also several drawbacks. One, I can only work on-campus while I’m up here on my student authorization — which seriously limits my employment opportunities. Two, I’ve got my own little mini-mountain to scale before getting my MA. Since I was accepted into the English department, and have since decided that its a waste of time and want to now pursue a Rhetoric/Communications degree, this means I need to transfer into the Interdisciplinary Studies Graduate Studies program.

Basically, to make an already too-long story short, I’ll basically be starting from (almost) scratch, with no department or funding to back my program. While the reduced tuition costs next year are appealing, the prospects of me being up here for another 2 years, alone, isn’t. That, and my MA in Rhetoric will be from a brand-new, only a handful of students graduated, Interdisciplinary Studies Masters program. I’m not sure how a PhD program at an institution in the States will view that.

Which brings me to now. I’m not sure what I should do. One part of me asks, if I’m already going home for the whole summer, why don’t I just move all my stuff then? I don’t feel like I’m running away from anything up here. I tried it for a year, and it didn’t work. Okay. I’ve learned much, and gained relationships that I would have never had the opportunity to, if I had stayed home.

When I say “home,” I don’t automatically mean Savannah, either. There’s a rhetoric grad program I could get into at the University of Georgia or any other number of schools. Lots of options. But before diving into any academic program, I think I really need to decide what direction I want my life to go in. I don’t need to hide in school in order to find that. I just need to be near those that love me.

[disgruntled, moody, quarter-life crisis mode OFF]

We now return to our scheduled programming, already in progress….

Because I’m over-whelmed with life at the moment, time for some mindless links.

Ninja Burger: “Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or less, or we commit Seppuku!”

The Bullshit Generator

Wait All Day.com — and you thought blogging was a huge waste of time! A new rival to the infamous hold the button game.

Fly Guy: since we’re on the topic of fun time-wasters!

Quotes from the movie Office Space — damn it feels good to be a gansta.

Chick Flicks vs. Macho Movies: a handy reference guide.

brrr.

Girl With The Weight Of The World In Her Hands (Indigo Girls)

She won’t recover from her losses

She hasn’t chosen this path but she watches who it crosses

Maybe move to the right maybe move to the left

So we can all see the pain she wears like a banner on her chest

And we all say it’s sad and we think it’s a shame

And she’s called to our attention but we do not call her name

The girl with the weight of the world in her hands

Cause we’re busy with our happiness and busy with our plans

I wonder if alone she wants it taken from her hands

But if things didn’t keep getting harder

She might miss her sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr

The girl with the weight of the world in her hands

I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead

Will grant her consolation when she counts upon her need

It makes us all angry though we feign to care

But who will be the scale to weigh the cross she has to bear

The girl with the weight of the world in her hands

Is the glass half full or empty I ask her as I fill it

She said “it doesn’t really matter pretty soon you’re bound to spill it”

With the half logic language of the sermon she delivers

And the way she smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers

I pull the blankets higher when I’m finally safe at home

And she takes a hundred with her but she always sleeps alone

The girl with the weight of the world in her hands

And I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead

Will grant her consolation when she counts upon her need

It makes us all angry though we feign to care

But who will be the scale to weigh the cross she has to bear

The girl with the weight of the world in her hands

After sitting on the tarmac for over an hour, I’m finally back in the semi-Arctic. I didn’t get harassed by Customs, yay! Now I’m tired, and headed to bed. In honor of me being back in the wilds that is Saskatchewan, a haiku by the Zen poet Basho:

Winter solitude

In a world of one color

The sound of wind
.

(p.s. I got the job!)

Reporting in for blog-duty

Yep, I’ve been really slack over the past couple days in my blogging. Mainly because I’ve been too busy enjoying the warmth and humidity to pin myself to the computer. That, and enjoying my time back home with family and friends. I really took this warm weather for advantage, at least while I lived down here. Now that I’ve really experienced “winter,” I know how great it is to have sunny, warm weather pretty much all the time. While I do love snow (that is, when I’m not falling down because of it), there’s nothing better than to be able to walk around outside with only ONE layer of clothing on, enjoying the sunshine.

Tomorrow I head back up north, at 5:50 pm. I’m sort of dreading my return, not just for the cold weather that will slam into me, but for all the work that is waiting for me. It’s been nice to sort of relax and be lazy. When I return, I have so much reading and transcribing and marking papers, etc. Ah well, this is the life I signed up for, time to suck it up!

I have an interview this afternoon, applying for my old summer job as a summer camp coordinator at a local country club. I *really hope* I can get this job again. For one, I love working it — the hours are great, the pay is awesome, plus its a whole lotta fun. But it also means I’ll be able to be home for the summer, and will be able to save up a bunch of money for next year. The interview is at 5:30 this afternoon, hopefully next time I post I’ll be employed!

My mom and dad had to go down to see my Aunt in Jacksonville this afternoon. They found some cysts on her ovaries — could be pretty serious. So that’s going on — also the house hasn’t been shown all that much (only 3 times). While the really selfish part of me is happy they’re still down here, in the house and town I grew up in, I know that it would be lots better if they could go ahead and move up to Virginia. I know its hard for them living down here, having to deal with “the church” woes and soon their severance pay will be up, too. It’s wild all the changes that are going on in our lives right now.

I’ve been having really weird dreams lately — and by that I mean weirder than usual. I’ve never been much in analyzing dreams, but maybe I should start thinking about it. My mind tends to work overtime when its weighed down.